Month: October 2018

Hesitation.

Hesitating is something everyone, everywhere finds themselves doing whether they can help it or not. Yours truly included. And we hesitate in way more situations than you realize and the moments you hesitate in coming in various sizes. Now, I’d like to mention that the opposite of hesitation is impulse, and while a lot of people see impulses as a negative, I like to see everything as the Franz Kapka quote does: “it’s better to have something and not need it, than you need something and not have it”.

Hesitation, more times than not, in my life has had a negative affect on me. Most of the mishaps I’ve experienced and seen happen have been correlated to it, and the only thing I could have done was if I had been more bold and done what was needed when it needed to be done as opposed to hesitating. But, what causes you to be hesitant? Could it be the uncertainty of a situation? The lacking of a feeling of preparedness? Or is it just the little voice in your head being scared of what may happen? Doing new or important things takes you out of you comfort zone, you state of homeostasis. Hesitating prevents you from moving forward within yourself, so see as is.

Think back on any situation or time in your life. Think of the people you were around and look to see which ones have become successful. Those are the people who didn’t hesitate when it came to doing what they needed to, to become what they are now. Now think of what your ambitions were back then. Have you fulfilled them, and if you haven’t why not? Did you hesitate and put off doing the things that were required of you? I’m sure that is the case, only because that is the case with me. There are things I would think that I wanted to do, but I hesitated to get them done, which then turned to me not doing them at all. So, now I sit here and watch friends and others actually doing what I was thinking about because they went for it and got it done. They didn’t hesitate.

Ever been in a car accident? Most car accidents I’ve seen or heard about are because someone hesitated in what they were doing. Either go or don’t go, there’s no in between. You have to commit to your decision while in the car. Ever needed to tell somebody something but you didn’t, and now the opportunity has past and you can’t? You have to voice your feelings and make what your thinking known right then and there, waiting will slowly remove your chances and being able to. Even if you out at the bar and you see someone you find yourself attracted to, go talk to them before someone else does. I bet if you wait then you lose your chance and won’t be able to meet them.

Basically, what I’m saying is you’re the one holding yourself back because you keep hesitating instead of just making the decision to do something when the opportunity is in front of you. Sometimes you luck out and the opportunity is still there when you finally come around to going after it, but even then you’ll realize that you could have had it much earlier. And if it’s too late, you’ll always wonder “what if?”. What if you had made the call right then, could you be on your way to what you wanted to be doing right now. To put things in simple terms, DON’T BE AFRAID OF SUCCESS!!!

“I plan on” or “I might”

I have a big bone to pick with the idea of talking about the things you think you might do. Too many people speak about what they plan on planning to do, and I am one of the culprits. I learned awhile ago that speaking on things you have thought about making moves towards is almost like sabotaging yourself. I see people all the time who get so much satisfaction from telling people what they “might” do, or what they’re “thinking about” doing, that they never get around to actually doing it.

So, I decided to make a change in how I approached my goals and plans with the first step being to keep them to myself. In my opinion, nobody but you needs to know about your plans because nobody can help you when you’re just in the planning stage. Reveal yourself when you have all your loose ends tied and are ready to move forward, because otherwise what you planned to do means nothing. Basically, either do it and complete it or don’t. No one wants to hear what you might do. In a social setting, it is wise to keep your plans to yourself. Telling others who have done what you plan on doing is unimportant and doesn’t help anybody. It’s a stagnant statement that goes nowhere, so be worried about the things you’ve done and be a finisher, not a “think-abouter”. If that’s even a thing.

 

“I almost ___”

The other deterrent of progress that I’ve seen is the use of the crutch “almost”. So many people are so worried and perplexed about things that ALMOST happened, either in general or to them. Now, you should absolutely acknowledge these things that almost come to fruition because it lets you know that it is possible, but also realize that there was something that prevented it as well, so take note, learn from it, and move forward. Moments that almost happened shouldn’t be given the same space as things that did because they in fact did not happen. And it makes a lot of sense to not let things that didn’t actually happen take up real estate, so that’s why its somewhat baffling to see people let that happen. Eliminate the power that “almost” holds, good or bad, and focus what actually happens in your life. The real occurrences. And on another social note, no one cares what you almost did or said, or what almost happened to you because that doesn’t matter. It didn’t happen, so there’s no reason why any one should be worried of it.

“Almost” can be detrimental regardless of it being something good or bad. For example, being scared to drive because you almost got in an accident one time isn’t beneficial to you. But also, being consumed by something good that almost happened can lead you in circles eventually spitting you out no further than when you started. Like gambling in a casino, you continue to bet and bet because you keep ALMOST winning. Almost doesn’t pay you out, all it does is set you up and keep you putting your money on the table for you to lose.

 

All I am trying to say is you shouldn’t worry about the things you might do, or what has almost happened to you because they get you nowhere, they don’t lead to progression. Focus your mind on what you get done and what actually happens to you promotes growth in both yourself and your place in life because you’re only worried about things that are there. So, keep silent in your moves, only reveal what you’ve done, and take note of the real occurrences in your life and you will see yourself making moves forward instead of becoming stagnant.

I for sure don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I have been asked by someone I know how I was doing, for my response to be just a simple, “I’m fine”. A lot of those times I actually was fine, but to be honest there were also a lot of times where I wasn’t and was just saying that to avoid opening myself up. Now, this isn’t crossing my mind because I’m hiding a huge mental struggle or anything like that, but because the word fine is such a stagnating word to use when talking about yourself and I feel that it’s seeping its way into what I consider normal. And it could possibly be doing the same for you.

The word “fine” is one of the biggest cop-outs I’ve ever come to know in life due to it being such a versatile word to explain away just about anything. Physical pain, emotional pain, and even important things you just don’t want to talk about. Sometimes it’s almost like a knee-jerk reaction where you immediately just say that you’re fine even before you actually know if you are or not. Almost like when you say “Ow!” right when you hit or bump into something before you get a chance to even feel if it hurt or not. It’s similar to a safety word that exempts you from having to explain yourself, and is a readily accessible crutch waiting for you to use whenever you need it. I know that words by themselves shouldn’t have as much power as we give them, but this one is used and abused by everyone and it never loses its effectiveness. But, it does make you feel comfortable and safe, when it is really a cancer to your growth as a person and peace of mind. Think about every time or instance you’ve used it. Were you really fine? Did it help you? Or did it just leave you in the same place you started?

There’s a common occurrence that I find myself in a lot in my professional and personal life where I have something on my mind that I want to talk about with a specific person, and almost like clockwork, they present themselves and ask how everything is going and how I am. Perfect opportunity to express what’s on my mind because it’s the person I need to speak to and the topic was brought up by them, we’re all set up to have the conversation. But do I? No. I don’t. I say I’m fine and everything is going swimmingly, blah blah blah. So now, instead of handling what I needed to handle and getting my concern out on the table, all I’ve done is postpone the conversation with the same problem still on my hands. I didn’t help myself, in fact I hindered myself.

The biggest anecdote I have to use as an example takes me back to my senior year of High School. I had a decision to make between two schools on where I was going to play football: The University of Nevada Reno and San Diego State University. Now, the hitch in this decision is the fact that I was already verbally committed to play for Nevada and had told the coaches I was going to sign with them and had been on my official visit under that impression. But, I had just gotten home from my visit at SDSU and in my mind I really wanted to go there, but I couldn’t just commit to them right then, I would have to de-commit from Nevada first. So there I am, 18 years old, knowing that I have to call that night and break the news because if I wait any longer the opportunity at SDSU might not be there in the next few days.

I’m talking to my parents, pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what I’m going to say, and just trying to muster up some courage to pick up to phone to make the call, when the phone rings. It’s my coach from Nevada. Perfect timing right? Now I don’t have to make the call, so step number 1 is already handled, and now I just have to break the news and it’ll all be over. Seems easy enough. But I don’t. I talk to him how I always do and don’t even give off a hint that something isn’t right and make plans for him to come visit me at school later that week, say goodbye and hang up. I look at my parents in the face and they’re just like, “what the hell dude, I thought you were going to tell him?” and pretty much tell me that if I don’t call him back right now then I’m going to Nevada and not SDSU. So now the anxiety has set in ALL OVER AGAIN and I have to do this whole thing over, just making it that much harder. So I finally make the call and break the news and boom, it’s handled just like that. Something that could’ve been done in 10 minutes took me over an hour of anxiousness and fear to do so. All because I wanted to be “fine” and didn’t want to rattle the cage even when it would be for the betterment of myself.

I think we feel that anything other than fine is considered weak, and everyone seems to have a similar fear of being seen as weak or less than. But the reality is that acting as if you have no weaknesses and hiding it is actually the biggest weakness. If you don’t address your needs or feelings because you don’t want to stray away or risk the possibility of showing yourself under the mask you put on, then you’ll never progress as a human and never be able to put yourself in prime positions for success and happiness. It’s okay to not be fine, and being vulnerable promotes growth. Because if you can go through your day and not be afraid of your vulnerabilities, and acknowledge the fact they exist, you can learn how to improve on them and in turn grow as a person.

You can’t fill the gaps in your life if they’re always guarded by the walls you put up.

 

If the title isn’t self-explanatory enough, it’s quite simple. If you go around doing things that aren’t the smartest decisions, then don’t expect the outcomes to be favorable. This kind of touches on a topic from a previous post regarding how your attitude towards things can attract likewise outcomes for yourself. This is something that crosses my mind on a decently frequent basis mainly because I’ve been on the wrong side of this spectrum a few times recently, which is actually why I have decided to bring this up. But also, I feel like there are a lot of people who don’t take this into account and sit around playing victim wondering how something unfavorable could have happened to them without looking back at what they were doing in the lead up.

Most of the time, the “stupid games” you are playing are very easy to notice when you’re in the middle of them. For me, it’s sometimes a feeling that’s accompanied by a voice in my head telling me it’s a dumb idea and is really immature in nature. Another one is the fact that what you’re doing is universally known as being something stupid. For example, poking a bear, tormenting a wild animal, and most common, driving while drunk. By definition, a prize is something rewarded to someone for doing something of note or winning a competition. Most commonly a prize is seen as a good thing, like a Super Bowl Trophy, but trust me when I say there are a lot of little prizes in life that are not good and unwanted to say the least. Stupid prize you say? How about a DUI, a trip to jail, or a one night stay in the hospital! Now, those are definitely extreme cases of the topic, but I’m going to go into a little lighter region of it and talk about some things in the regard.

There’s a stupid game I find myself playing every once in a while that I can assure you has never ended in me coming out on top, and it’s something so trivial it’s almost maddening. I was having a text conversation with someone who I really wanted to continue speaking with, but the conversation was kind of spotty at the time, which in turn made me feel really anxious so I would repeatedly check my phone and would get let down if I got a notification that wasn’t from them (Which by the way is extremely stupid in itself, and you should work on not being thrown off by a lack of texting lol). So, my bright idea as to put my phone away and not check it for any reason until the day was over and I had nothing to do. Now, let me phone out that taking a break from your phone or social media can be a good thing to help you reset, BUT it is not when you are doing it for the wrong reason. I was doing it because I didn’t want to be let down when I check my phone to not see a notification from them. Now there were obvious hints that this was stupid. One, because I had feeling of guilt almost that made me sense that this was stupid. And two, because I had a voice in my head telling me it was. The voice in this case was just me talking to myself saying that this was going to get me nowhere and would not help me whatsoever. Basically saying that at the end of the day you’re either going to look at your phone and not see anything, or you’re going to see something you want to see but you’ll have missed out because you’re hours late and there’s nothing you can do now. For me, it was the second one. This person had asked me if I wanted to do something with them, but I didn’t see it until 7 hours later because I was being stupid. So I won a stupid prize, which was the regretful feeling of not being present and missing out on something I wanted to do with someone I wanted to do it with.

There are stupid prizes everywhere for you to win, but they can only be won if you do the stupid things to win them. What I’m trying to say with this piece is that you should take time to analyze what you’re doing. Ask yourself if this is in line with the other things you want to do, or if it possibly has negative implications on things you want in the future. As long as you’re conscious about what you do and take note of the possible outcomes of doing or not doing something, you can put yourself in a better position. Trust your gut and believe in your morals because you are a smart person and the best one to make decisions for yourself.

 

I hope this made some sort of sense to you. It’s a basic, almost comical idea that happens to have a lot of depth behind it.