It’s Okay Not to Be “Fine”

I for sure don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I have been asked by someone I know how I was doing, for my response to be just a simple, “I’m fine”. A lot of those times I actually was fine, but to be honest there were also a lot of times where I wasn’t and was just saying that to avoid opening myself up. Now, this isn’t crossing my mind because I’m hiding a huge mental struggle or anything like that, but because the word fine is such a stagnating word to use when talking about yourself and I feel that it’s seeping its way into what I consider normal. And it could possibly be doing the same for you.

The word “fine” is one of the biggest cop-outs I’ve ever come to know in life due to it being such a versatile word to explain away just about anything. Physical pain, emotional pain, and even important things you just don’t want to talk about. Sometimes it’s almost like a knee-jerk reaction where you immediately just say that you’re fine even before you actually know if you are or not. Almost like when you say “Ow!” right when you hit or bump into something before you get a chance to even feel if it hurt or not. It’s similar to a safety word that exempts you from having to explain yourself, and is a readily accessible crutch waiting for you to use whenever you need it. I know that words by themselves shouldn’t have as much power as we give them, but this one is used and abused by everyone and it never loses its effectiveness. But, it does make you feel comfortable and safe, when it is really a cancer to your growth as a person and peace of mind. Think about every time or instance you’ve used it. Were you really fine? Did it help you? Or did it just leave you in the same place you started?

There’s a common occurrence that I find myself in a lot in my professional and personal life where I have something on my mind that I want to talk about with a specific person, and almost like clockwork, they present themselves and ask how everything is going and how I am. Perfect opportunity to express what’s on my mind because it’s the person I need to speak to and the topic was brought up by them, we’re all set up to have the conversation. But do I? No. I don’t. I say I’m fine and everything is going swimmingly, blah blah blah. So now, instead of handling what I needed to handle and getting my concern out on the table, all I’ve done is postpone the conversation with the same problem still on my hands. I didn’t help myself, in fact I hindered myself.

The biggest anecdote I have to use as an example takes me back to my senior year of High School. I had a decision to make between two schools on where I was going to play football: The University of Nevada Reno and San Diego State University. Now, the hitch in this decision is the fact that I was already verbally committed to play for Nevada and had told the coaches I was going to sign with them and had been on my official visit under that impression. But, I had just gotten home from my visit at SDSU and in my mind I really wanted to go there, but I couldn’t just commit to them right then, I would have to de-commit from Nevada first. So there I am, 18 years old, knowing that I have to call that night and break the news because if I wait any longer the opportunity at SDSU might not be there in the next few days.

I’m talking to my parents, pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what I’m going to say, and just trying to muster up some courage to pick up to phone to make the call, when the phone rings. It’s my coach from Nevada. Perfect timing right? Now I don’t have to make the call, so step number 1 is already handled, and now I just have to break the news and it’ll all be over. Seems easy enough. But I don’t. I talk to him how I always do and don’t even give off a hint that something isn’t right and make plans for him to come visit me at school later that week, say goodbye and hang up. I look at my parents in the face and they’re just like, “what the hell dude, I thought you were going to tell him?” and pretty much tell me that if I don’t call him back right now then I’m going to Nevada and not SDSU. So now the anxiety has set in ALL OVER AGAIN and I have to do this whole thing over, just making it that much harder. So I finally make the call and break the news and boom, it’s handled just like that. Something that could’ve been done in 10 minutes took me over an hour of anxiousness and fear to do so. All because I wanted to be “fine” and didn’t want to rattle the cage even when it would be for the betterment of myself.

I think we feel that anything other than fine is considered weak, and everyone seems to have a similar fear of being seen as weak or less than. But the reality is that acting as if you have no weaknesses and hiding it is actually the biggest weakness. If you don’t address your needs or feelings because you don’t want to stray away or risk the possibility of showing yourself under the mask you put on, then you’ll never progress as a human and never be able to put yourself in prime positions for success and happiness. It’s okay to not be fine, and being vulnerable promotes growth. Because if you can go through your day and not be afraid of your vulnerabilities, and acknowledge the fact they exist, you can learn how to improve on them and in turn grow as a person.

You can’t fill the gaps in your life if they’re always guarded by the walls you put up.